That moment of impact…meeting someone new..when you two just click and it feels so right, you cant stop thinking about it..everything suddenly being so much brighter than it has been every day for the past few weeks..they’ve come in ur life holding the very candle youve been searching for..somehow managing to intertwine themselves deep within youre heart and mind..but ..then they get to know you more and more the real you and all you always try to hide from the world..theyve managed to climb over the wall youve so heavily built..all the things you struggle with on a daily basis that no one knows about the very things that keep you up at night and break any hope you see come into youre life..those things ..the demons in your head that youve yet to overcome, but so desperately want to…the ones you hide under the rug quickly before anyone notices..you know those? …but thats the thing you can only hide them for so long..sooner or later they will pile up and you’ll find yourself in a deeper hole then youve ever even thought of..how did this happen? when did it all get so heavy? …that every day it weighs you down but you try not to let it bring you down not this time anyways..this time is different this time im not sure if i could handle yet another person being pushed away because of all this darkness in that closet of mine that ive so tightly locked…but now its time to open up that door and sort through it all start from the very top of the pile…from the very bottom of the hole and climb my way out..its not like theres no one holding out their hand for me to grab, there is…its just..something in me just decided to give up and hope for one day for it to just all be better..one day for it to all just go away..and to finally fully see the light…to finally no longer have anything to hide under the rug…to no longer have this all weigh me down everyday…
I try to show you my best side and put all that behind me.. This time i actually wanna try…im so tired of it all…and i wont be able to deal with the idea that again this happened no, not again at least not without effort..but i cant make any promises ive dug myself this hole pretty deep..sometimes i wonder if ill ever fully get out but ive given up for far to long..its been far too long..
but i want to so badly but something in me has just given up and its so hard to change but i want to so badly its like something in me doesnt let me
and why? why i always wonder
how did i get like this?
is there a way i could actually fix it all on my own?
i wish it would happen quickly im so tired of it…
can i ? i can i really do it?
or do i need some pills if so let me take them..give me something
give me anything